Winnipeg Free Press

Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - October 23, 1989, Winnipeg, Manitoba Winnipeg free press october 1989 Page 14 Chuck features editor they finally broke an 85yearold tradition at the new York friars club last week when women were allowed in to see the former Al male bastion roast Bruce there were 25 women among old dodgers such As Milton Jack Carter and Menny Usa today columnist Jeanne Williams was not she wrote that Williss Cigar May have symbolized the theme of these which is the size and activities of the male sex and Why should Jackie Mason be in trouble when the racial ethnic joke is alive and kicking at the friars there to everybody gets n i 71 in hot election news conies word that Baptist preacher Orwell is running for governor of his platform is extremely Hes against gun control and will fire All female state workers As soon As Hes Momma needs to get Back Home where she says and if i want to have a tank in my Back Yard its my sure do like a Man who preaches firepower and Ana Zsa Zsa Gabor has a new lawyer and Hes out to show what a Homespun Gal our Dah link Zsa Zsa really Harrison Bull is that a great name for a or what is beginning a Campaign to clean up gators tarnished Shes an exemplary says id like to see someone cast her in he real As a very patriotic american she flies the Flag every Day of her n n n Bjorn borgs old flame is causing quite a Racket with her accusations that the Tennis Star used Borg has decided to sue the swedish Magazine that printed Jannie Bjorling allegations the accusations Are not True and Borg denies he has Ever used co says borgs Bjork who lived with Borg four years ago and has a child by says she flushed his stash Down the toilet Many the friars club allowed 25 women see the former Al male bastion roast Bruce to Odd Abc got a earful last week when the to network had the unmitigated Gall to interrupt the broadcast of the soap Santa Barbara with cover age of the san Francisco Earth according to station switch Board operator Brenda the majority of the callers were Down right i dont know what it is about that particular but whenever its not the callers Are downright soap fans certainly do in a lather Odd new York artist Andres Serrano is nothing if not perhaps his most famous work is a color picture of a Crucifix immersed in thirty five senators signed a letter calling his pictures abhorrent and completely undeserving of any recognition added Jesse he is not an he is a Serrano regularly uses cows blood and cows milk As colors in his in attracted to religious and in intrigued by bodily says i added urine because i needed a third id have been taking red and White pictures compiled by Paul Mckie the far Side what songs did Como sing hey look at everybody in a Howdy by Manfred Jager when did Singer Perry Como live and what kind of material did he sing the american still very much was born in Pennsylvania on May that makes him 77 years he is known for Glit entertainment and romantic some with in famous big bands of the How Many baseballs Are actually expended during a world series game that almost impossible to to sports writers vaguely familiar with the suffice it to say that balls Cost about apiece to you and me but Are much cheaper for teams buying them in their hundreds re placed every few even minor league games played in Canada dont get underway without about 12 boxes of a dozen balls each being in pregame batting bullpen a foul balls and Home runs Are the reasons for Many balls finding their Way into the pockets of admiring sports answers what Day of the week was Dominion Whai is the ultimate Speed for in this Case it is the Speed of which has been achieved by particle accelerators or which Speed up subatomic particles for research purposes through a series of placed along ring tunnels that can be dozens of Kilometres Long have achieved velocities of of per cent of the Speed of the Best Canadian scientific facilities have been Able to do so far is 75 per cent of the Speed of achieved in an accelerator at the University of British the Only thing faster than Light is which can take your mind to the most Distant Star if you want answers Call 9422047 Turtle attacks raise questions you can imagine How alarmed i was when i found out that i had been swimming in the same Waters As the giant perverted unless of course you have not yet heard about the giant perverted in which Case please be advised until we get this thing cleared you should avoid Surv merging yourself in any body if water unless it has a Drain and a soap i found out about this Story when numerous Alert readers sent me an article from the a newspaper published in the Florida headlined Turtle at tack is immediately i interrupted my regular journalism routine of staring fixedly at individual pieces of ceiling because it just so happens that my major aside from turning off lights and appliances that have been turned on Days earlier by my is scuba diving off the Florida you go out to the bouncing Over the then you dive in and Admire the incredible variety of Marine life that is attracted by Oiler diving enthusiasts barfing Fri the Side of the Chariot you Sec Somr fascinating things Down i once go to see shul fishing Xis like from the fish dangling in the was i largish to which had teen attached a disgusting thing such As you might be served in a sushi frogman staring at this thing was a Small formal gathering of file which is a fish with pursed lips and a bulging forehead that make it look very As though it should be carrying a Little briefcase and doing the other fishes tax As the other tilefish the first one would swim take the sushi in its spit it out then swim to the end of the then the next fish would repeat this and the and so this experience gave me an remember a couple of months Back when president Bush was taking his biweekly vacation up in Kenneth bunk port and he failed to catch any Day after until in became a National news Story of greater urgency than and the whole Federal government apparatus seemed to shudder to a halt while the Leader of the free the Man most responsible Lor dealing with pressing and increasingly com plex National and International was off somewhere trying to outwit an organism with a brain the size of a Hydrogen atom Dave Barry Well my idea next time we have this we Send some naval fro persons Down there to attach a fish manually to the presidential these would have to be trusted not be cause America would definitely be a laughingstock among nations if the president were to engage in a fierce three hour Angling Strug Gle and haul a death penalty but before we implement this we need to do some thing about the giant perverted according to the reporter a written by outdoor writer Bob theres a very aggressive male 300pound log Serli Encl Turtle lurks in the water under one of i lie Bridges in the Florida keys and 1 am not making this up keeps very to mate with human what is Epstein in at least one Case the Turtle actually in not going to give details of this occurrence in a family except to say that if we Ever decide we need some form of punishment harsher than the death this would be a Strong i called up one of the divers who reportedly been a real estate agent named Bruce who confirmed the whole but asked me to stress that he successfully fought the Turtle so let the record show that the Turtle did not get to first base with but clearly we have a serious problem Bob Epstein told me since his Story he has been contacted almost daily by people who have been molested by Large sea creatures but never told authorities this is a sensitive Epstein people Are reluctant to talk that aspect of their relationships with turtles or seals or dolphins or fortunately this alarming Story is getting attention from leading science authorities Epstein told me he has been contacted by both the Letterman and Sajak the Miami Herald news hour of Fortune re ily Foud in How to miss Oktoyo feet pageant non Vellos of studies in Iho scrip Ture 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