Winnipeg Free Press

Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - April 30, 1990, Winnipeg, Manitoba Winnipeg frees press april Page 14 Chuck features editor group launches Turtle attack the Are at it the to grossing film for the last four weeks has been teenage mutant ninja which has been attracting hordes of but that Hast stopped americas National coalition on television violence from condemn ing the film because it glorifies and promotes a culture of the group says Raphael and Mikhae Langeton commit 194 acts of Why dont these people get jobs with the census Bureau Odd everyone knows about columnist Art Buchwald winning his Case against Paramount Buchwald said the hit film about an african Prince choosing a Bride in the coming to was his idea and the courts but poor Prince Johnny Osse Nibuo want As this real african Prince claimed coming to America was his but a los Angeles court ruled the Prince was a who didst file his papers in Odd answer he paid million for an entire Hill in the Hollywood Hills to build a dream House for himself and Fiancee Jean ques Tion who is Alex Trebek that Canadian to personality and Host of the to game show jeopardy bought a Hill for that much he plans on Selling off 21 lots on the Hill for Between and to finance his dream and to think we laughed at stars on Odd Uhoch another self righteous con Vert to the perils of drugs and Alco James Brown feels Hes just spent some drying out time in prison for various offences and is now extolling the Virtues of the straight i feel like Moses did when he led the children out of pharaohs says i feel like one of the i love this Job and in just trying to do the right add David Letterman just had to have teenage mutant ninja turtles stand accused of committing 194 acts of people his say on the recent Earth so Here is his list on the top 10 things heard during that environmental Cele bration hey after the concert lets trash the place its the greenhouse offi that Why in not wearing who cares if it destroys the Ozone thanks to aerosol i can spell my name in just one More Beer then i have to Pilot a Northwest flight to Good news june Allyson has switched to cloth diapers that you get a Nickel a burnings tires is bad for the ecosystem but it adds a great Smokey flavor to while not directly involved with these Earth Day Festi once this land belonged to the indians that was before the Japa the Corn dogs were better at hands across add Michael Ontkean is no Rookie when it comes to being in the to the actor is hot again with the new series twin but Ontkean also int a Novice when it comes to he grew up in Quebec and says hockey was like an Early calling to some sort of subzero i was in a state of constant motion with perpetually Frozen when he was 14 his father and Ontkean sup ported himself playing the in those says you could get Money under the table in the Junior leagues in the Trade off was that you had to quit High school at a certain Point because the season was so he eventually got a hockey scholarship to the University of new compiled by Paul Mickic Ontkean hockey life the far Side by Gary Larson who were Plantagenet Kings by Manfred Jager who were the Plantagenet Kings of England and when did they Rule they ruled from and 1154 to and 1399 and were All descended from the marriage of daughter of King Henry and count Geoffrey of who was nicknamed Plantagenet because of the sprig he always wore in his How is the prime lending Bank rate set by the Bank of Canada each week its All done with a simple formula that takes into account the performance of the Overall econ says a Bank of Canada official in Bank of Canada governor Jim Crow takes the average tender Price for government of Canada Treasury Bills for the past three months per cent on april then adds per the average tender rate adequately reflects How sex Money employment and inflation Are says the Bank of Canada do any Canadian cities face water Short Ages this year in a Prairie agriculture generally answers has been Short of water for at least three years but cities so far have had All the water its too Early in the year to say whether severe water shortages Are expected later this if watering of residential lawns could to curtailed to even and Odd Days car washing could be affected further to drought projections for the Prai Ries this summer University of Winnipeg climatologist Tim Ball says records dating Back to 1700 indicate no drought has Ever lasted longer than eight making 1989 the last dry season for this part of North Ball predicts average temperatures Here this with slightly above average he says what he cant predict is rain coming out of a rain May fall such As during Harvest for if you want answers Call 9422047 the trouble with America downfall in world tied to obsession with breasts people frequently ask what has gone wrong with anyways and i Al ways reply what has gone wrong is that Over in Germany and people Are interested in robots and other High technology where As Here in America people Are interested in whether Marla Maples had her breasts aug let me stress that i am not mentioning Maria Maples in Capi Tal letters because i wish to boost the readership of this i am mentioning Marla Maples and her possible breast augmentation be cause i think its pretty pathetic that this once great nation a nation that produced technological geniuses such As Thomas Henry Ford and mister wizard has become so techno logically illiterate that according to a 74 per cent of All americans agree with the state ment that a fax machine works by sending rolled up paper through a you morons sorry state the paper is already in the Only the Ink goes through the wire clearly this nation is in a sorry and yet our newspapers and magazines continue to pan Der to the Public insatiable lust for mindless articles about Marla Maples which take up space i am refer ring to the articles that could be used to provide important technical i say its time that americans stopped being the big fat stupid Heads of the industrialized this is Why today in going to take the High Road by defying this National obsession with tawdry celebrity trivia and devoting an entire column to an swering your questions about neck Wattles come America put on your thinking Caps lets have some technology questions q Are you saying that Marla Maples breasts have been augmented a no i am not saying nor am i suggesting for the first that before her face lift Marla Maples had neck Wattles deep enough to raise bats today i wish to focus on your questions concerning technological such As How an Auto Matic transmission changes Dave Barry q How does an automatic transmission change gears a there is probably some kind of mechanism in but dont quote me on and let us also put an end to these rumours that Marla Maples had upper thigh liposuction so extensive As to require an Industrial fire q How do those electronic hand dryers in Public restrooms work a at a question that does not require me to mention Marla electronic restroom hand dryers Are Mirac Ulous Labo saving devices that work by shooting out a special kind of made from com pressed that actually makes your hands Sticky without getting them q you know those automatic supermarket checkout where the clerk Waves the product past a Little window and the Register beeps and shows the Price How does that work a inside the counter is a Small compartment where a person Marge crouches in the peering up through the window and frantically ringing up your purchases As the clerk Waves them the system used to involve a laser but they had to Stop this when the beam detonated a can of sending superheated chunks of meat like byproducts hurtling in All directions and severely damaging an Issue of the weekly world news Marla Elvis ate my vampires q How does an elevator work a an elevator is essentially a Small room dangling Over a very deep held up by thin cables that Are maintained by building employees who have tremendous trouble just keeping All the toilets q what do they have to do with Exchange ufos Vampire Marla Maples a they claim they Are just next week German reunification Rob Lowe tells his Miami Herald 24 hours of wheel of Fortune g Fth onto oct american experience journey to America d 41 my two dads i happiness la 101131 Cynd first news night court Jelf baseball show Blue jays edition Money line q334nightly business report b33ctnew wilderness Row video for the top olym macgyver g okla to be announced Simpsons p1s21 jump Street orb macgyver ment tonight 131oj mus Colore of koreans in Manitoba Maiale liars club major league baseball Toronto Blue jays at Cleveland Cal crossfire Black Jour Nal 02qworld of survival with Terry David Mulligan Canad Ennes Esse Host summary Edi teenage turtles es2s spirit connection ed3hyour world internal tonal report g 6 private members business r breakaway 13 of kingdom of the Sun the Bat Clour Jubilee r be Nouvelle Europe Ennes ebs adjournment proceedings s Jig doctor who 83 5 North South country Chien it Loup 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