Winnipeg Free Press

Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - August 1, 2006, Winnipeg, Manitoba A2 Winnipeg free press tuesday August 1, 2006 Doug Speirs problem with teens is they re morons i a sure All you modern parents will be pleased to hear i be discovered the one thing preventing modern teenagers from reaching their full potential. They re morons. Call me a crazy old coot ? and get off my Lawn while you re at it ? but i decided this the other Day when my sons cell phone started ringing incessantly. Sweep sweep sweep the cellphone chirped. The boy will get it i calmly told my wife. Sweep sweep sweep the cellphone chimed a Little More insistently. No let the boy get it i told my wife As she made furtive motions towards the offending device. Sweep sweep sweep All right ill get the phone i cheerfully said demonstrating All the natural patience for which we modern dads Are legendary. Hello i snarled into the teeny tiny phone one of those models designed to be operated by people with fingers the Width of freshly sharpened pencils. Hello grunted the phone voice which i recognized As belonging to one of the boys Best friends. At this there was a very pregnant pause which i decided to end by walking to the top of the stairs and Yelling for the boy to come and get the phone. There was no response from downstairs. I think he a in the Shower i told his Friend. He pondered this for a moment. Who a in the Shower the voice finally asked. My son i replied. You know your Best of my sons pal said. Who is this again so i told him. Of he said thoughtfully. Did i Call him i Don to think i meant but my purpose today is not to suggest that teenagers have the inherent brain capacity of Root vegetables. My purpose is. Hold on come to think of it my purpose is to suggest teens Are Only marginally smarter than turnips. This fact was driven Home to me the other Day when i spot Ted this headline on an internet news Story its a bum rap for teen vandals it seems police in Austria were Able to track Down a couple of teens who wreaked havoc in a local High school. What amazing High tech procedure did police use to catch these Young masterminds they studied photocopies. Of their. Or. Bums. According to , the 15-year-old vandals after smashing equipment and covering the Walls with Graffiti photocopied their Bottoms and left the pictures on display in the staff room. Here san actual quote from police spokesman Helmut Calif by enlarging the pictures we were Able to make out part of their faces in the i hate to state the obvious but for some reason the phrase butt Heads comes to mind. But we Don to have time to waste on these Cheeky villains. We need to immediately turn our attention to our next Young Einstein specifically Home alone teen blows roof off House according to Britain a the times newspaper an English couple got an unpleasant Surprise when they returned from Holiday. The trouble began when they left their son 18, in charge and he placed a Basket of washing on top of the electric stove. If you Haven to guessed already the teenager then accidentally turned on one of the heating elements before going out. The hot stove set fire to the clothes which set fire to a nearby bag of groceries which caused a can of deodorant to explode which blew out the Homes windows and lifted the roof. The ensuing Blaze caused about $70,000 damage to the House in Caister on sea Norfolk. How you May wonder did the hapless youth explain this Domestic disaster to his parents he relied on the classic teen excuse ? he said it was the dogs fault. So i think All us old bogeys agree that teenagers have some serious smart ening up to do. And i a going to explain that to my son and his friends. As soon As they finish programming the did player rebooting the computer and teaching me How to use the Remote control on our widescreen to. Manitoba Liberal dreams Manitoba Liberal Bobbi Ethier is hoping she can duplicate her party a Success in Manitoba when Federal grits meet in december to elect their next president. / a4 birth rate drops Canadas birth rate edged downward to another record Low in 2004. Among the provinces Manitoba was in the Middle of the pack with a 0.9 per cent drop in the birth rate from 13,940 to 13,811, or 11.8 births per 1,000 people. / a4 living with his Canadas Public health experts estimate 58,000 canadians Are living with his today. And More than one in four of them Don to know it. / a5 Canada preparing for plan b the Liberal party will develop a contingency plan to elect a new Leader ahead of a scheduled dec. 2 convention vote even though a snap fall election is farfetched City sports business said National party director Steve Mackinnon. / a6 Driskell inquiry a Berry Good fit farm Aid coming Manitoba a senior prosecutor former Winnipeg Jet Brad Low income Canadian Farmers world ordered police not to Tell Ray Berry brings valuable defensive stand to Benefit from a new fed civilians flee War zone Janidean he had immunity on an knowledge As Manitoba Moose eral program that will provide arson charge before Janidean coach Scott Arniel a right hand them with Cash and some Busi thousands of civilians gave the key testimony in James Man. / c3 Ness advice. / b4 trapped for nearly three weeks in Driskell a murder trial retired Blue Renaissance Man South Lebanon a War zone Winnipeg police sergeant Albert streamed North yesterday by Paul said yesterday. / b3 the Blue bombers Graeme Bell truck car and on foot seizing the can just about do it All and says Hance to flee during a Brief halt versatility is the key to his Colin israeli air strikes. / a9 Success. / c4 Samuel Segev a11 Woochuk George. 806. 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