Winnipeg Free Press

Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - August 22, 2006, Winnipeg, Manitoba A2 Winnipeg free press tuesday August 22, 2006 Doug Speirs its Doug a Back to work special part 1 c All me clairvoyant but somehow i just knew this want going to be a Banner Day in the Humour depart ment. Things weren to looking too bad when after two weeks vacation i decided to Mark my return to work yesterday morning by stopping at Starbucks for a bucket of Coffee roughly the size of my head. Would you like to try a free Sample of our strawberries & Creme Fra Puccino the Chipper Young fellow behind the counter at the Safeway Kiosk wanted to know. As the official spokesman for people larger than major Kitchen appliances this was like being asked if i wanted extra Gravy and cheese on a freshly buttered Steak. Still i attempted to appear Calm and dignified about the Prospect of putting myself in a sugar induced coma before rolling into the office. Yes i blurted apparently loud enough to startle a pack of bleary eyed Early morning grocery shoppers. Later i attempted to make it Back to my car while clutch ing keys in one hand and balancing the Frothy Strawberry concoction precariously on top of my tub of caffeine. Considering i normally move with the Grace of a Large Jun Gle cat you will no doubt be shocked to hear that i somehow managed to trip Over my own feet. This sent my free Sample plummeting to the Asphalt Park ing lot where it exploded enveloping me in a Cloud of whipped Cream and what i would technically describe As Pink pathetic yes. But it gets worse. As i wiped dollops of whipped Cream off my shoes and licked globs of gooey goodness off my Sunburst forearms the first thought that popped into my mind was this Well at least this beats being on vacation which sadly brings us to today a ground breaking Humour topic which happens to be what Doug did on his summer Holiday. My whirlwind two week vacation consisted largely of three festive activities. First i spent six Days groaning on the Couch battling a gastrointestinal disorder i would describe As marginally worse than the Black plague and the Martian death flu combined. How sick was i this will sound shocking but it got so bad that i had to spurn an invitation to spend several Days at the Lake celebrating our close Friend Debbie a 50th birthday. You will understand How serious this is when i Point out that Debbie a husband my buddy Nick had rented a Plushie machine one Side of which mixed margaritas while the Sec Ond Side spat out delicious Strawberry daiquiris. I was distraught at not being Able to attend the Soiree at the Lake even though Debbie and i had bitterly disagreed Over the appropriate theme for her party. Everyone should dress like pirates i told her. That a stupid Debbie politely replied. At this i gave her a withering look to gently Tell her she was wrong because i am a respected Humour columnist whereas she is merely a doctor. People love dressing up like pirates i insisted. It la be too hot Debbie scowled. Huh i countered using my incredible Mastery of the English language to drive Home my Point. Pirates come from hot yes but they live on ships Debbie noted. So what i sniffed. So they always had a Nice Breeze she scolded. While no doubt fascinating my purpose Here is not to dazzle you with my impressive debating skills. My purpose is to admit that i be apparently run out of space for today which Means this dramatic tale of my sum Mer vacation has just become a two part special report. Tune in thursday for part ii in which i do Battle with killer wasps play a key role in disposing of a family member and encounter a slice of trouble while bravely attempting to buy pizza. province City doctor honoured a Winnipeg doctor seen As one of Canadas visionaries is being honoured for his career including groundbreaking research he did Here As a Young Man. / a5 Church goer warned the author of a letter to the Edi Tor to the Brandon Sun has been warned by her Church to keep her criticism of City Hall to herself or find a new place to worship. / a6 Kosher suit threatened owners of a North end Kosher food store Are threatening to take Legal action against the Kosher cops who took away their licence to sell fresh meat to observant jews. / a6 victims pain lives on a former pizza delivery Man who had been stabbed in the Back robbed and left for dead is now fending off a collection Agency that a trying to collect on the $270 ambulance Bill. / b1 love thicker than lotto a City Man is out $118,000 after his close Friend did to buy a lot Tery ticket for him ? with the numbers he always played ? that turned out to be a big Winner. / b2 Trees Cut for science the University of Manitoba the City a forestry department and Manitoba conservation have joined together in a unique study to systematically Cut Down four elms and dissect them in a lab. / b3 world anger in Israel prime minister Ehud Olmert yesterday tried to defuse grow ing Public anger Over his handling of the War against Hezbollah promising to rebuild rocket scarred Border areas and saying his predecessors failed to prepare for the growing threat of the lebanese guerrilla group. / a9 fallen fighters sought Taliban forces asked that the bodies of their dead fighters be returned yesterday after a week end of bloody Battles with Cana Dian and afghan forces. / a12 Canada exercises a Flop military operations in the Arctic have exposed weaknesses in How the Navy army and air Force work together and suggest the military is still Only equipped to fight a cold War that ended years ago. / a8 arms shopping alleged three Canadian citizens trav Elled to new York to buy anti aircraft missiles machine guns and other military weapons for the tamil tigers terrorist organization the . Government alleges after unveiling yesterday a wide anti terrorism sting operation. / a9 business inflation drops slightly indirect tax changes that took effect this summer including the one Point Cut in the get knocked half a percentage Point off inflation in july the Bank of Canada estimated yesterday. / b5 sports hinges demolished Tennis great Martina hinges went Down to defeat at the hands of 18-year-old serb Ana Ivanovic in the . Rogers cup. / c1. Columnists Allen Mills a11 Samuel Segev a11 Gordon Sinclair or. B1 top news a5 Allan Besson d3manitoba a6,7 Linda Silkowski d5 Canada a8 world a9,12 letters to the editor a10 deaths View from the West a11 City b1-4 Armstrong or. Jack John business b5-8 Douglas 66, husband of Glenda. Sports c1 Barkman Elvin William 67. Family notices c7 Bauer Lloyd George 72. Classified c8 Bell Grant. Jumble c11 Berry Margaret 81. Weather b8 Burnyeat Dorothy Dolly. Entertainment d1 Chaplin Mary Jane 97. Movies d2 Czaplynsky Nicholas 86, Horoscope d3 husband of Helen. To d4 Froese George j., 80, of Winkler comics d6 husband of Anne. Diversions d7 Hogan Lawrence 68. Ask Rhona d8 Inglis John Jock. Klepatz Betty 72, wife of Earl. Kulbaba Annie 90, of Beausejour widow of John. Lavoie Reine 95, widow of Azarie. Law John of lunar. Lindsay Charles Alexander. Morrill Bob 63. Murray Dorothy 88. Mutcheson Karen Louise. Nadeau Maurice widower of Denise. Nentwig Herbert Arthur widower of Ruth. Pudlo Stephen Joseph 57, of finns husband of Elma. Reimer Edwin 53, of Gimli husband of Sandy. Savage Patricia. Torbert Donald Roderick husband of Norma. Treger Barbara 83. . Classified death notices c7 lotteries in the event of a discrepancy Between this list and the official winning numbers the latter shall prevail. Pick 3 winning number yesterday was 109. Extra winning number yesterday for top prize of $250,000 was 3322472. How to reach us Winnipeg free press 1355 Mountain Avenue Winnipeg Manitoba r2x 3b6 privacy policy & questions of privacy Reader service City delivery 697-7001 advertising classified Mon Fri 697-7100 obituaries 7 Days 697-7384 display 697-7122 editorial newsroom 697-7230 newsroom fax 697-7412 photo desk 697-7304 sports desk 697-7285 entertainment 697-7546 business news 697-7264 Reader feedback 697-7293 City desk letters to the editor . Photo reprints to order reprints 697-7063 Canada Post sales agreement no. 0563595 recycled newsprint is used in the production of this newspaper. Please Recycle. Gimli fish fresh Sockeye ends soon smoked Gold Eye 2 for $5 Small shrimping puff pastry$1ea. 596 Dufferin ave. ? 589-3474 625 Pembina Hwy. ? 477-6831 ;