Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - January 30, 2015, Winnipeg, Manitoba
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A 2 WINNIPEG FREE PRESS, FRIDAY, JANUARY 30, 2015 winnipegfreepress. com
I STUMBLED on some exciting Super Bowl
news Thursday morning when I staggered
into the den in my bathrobe and flicked on
our big- screen TV.
For the record, I am not referring to the
shocking revelation that the New England
Patriots' multimillionaire
quarterback, Tom Brady,
has a serious case of the
sniffles and is treating
his cold by " consuming a
lot of garlic," which could
result in Brady's lethal
garlic breath causing vision
problems for the Seattle
Seahawks' defence,
not to mention teammates
who are forced to stand
next to him in the huddle.
No, there I was, parked
on the couch, clutching
a semi- frozen breakfast
sandwich and a cup of
coffee I'd boiled to within
an inch of its life, watching
Morning Express with Robin Meade on the
HLN network, when the mostly female panel
broke the news: The Seahawks' trash- talking
superstar cornerback Richard Sherman and
his girlfriend, Ashley Moss, are expecting the
birth of their first child, a son, and it's entirely
possible she could go into labour on Sunday.
For those of you who, like myself, are experts
in the area of football medicine, this means
there is ( gasp) a chance Sherman's son might
decide to enter the world on the same day
as Super Bowl XLIX, forcing the outspoken
father- to- be to make a career- defining decision:
Stay and play in the big game or race to the
hospital to be at the new mom's side.
The women on Robin Meade's news show
seemed OK with the notion of Sherman playing
in the game, provided that was fine with
his girlfriend, and most of the viewers who
responded to their non- scientific survey ( about
56 per cent) shared that opinion.
Here's what Sherman himself had to say
about the issue to ESPN: " We'll cross that
bridge when we get there. We're not thinking
about the possibility."
Fortunately for Sherman, I decided to spend
a few minutes " thinking" about the possibility,
because I am an acknowledged expert in the
potentially hazardous field of baby- having.
With some help from my wife, She Who Must
Not Be Named, I currently have two collegeage
children, both of whom started out as
babies. When my kids were born, the prevailing
opinion among experts was it was important
for new dads to be there in person when their
babies arrived, which, in my view, is another
reason to hate experts.
This was not always the case. When I was
born, for instance, my dad was not allowed to
witness the birth, because federal law required
expectant fathers to sit in smoky hospital waiting
rooms reading outdated copies of the only
two magazines published in that era - Popular
Mechanics and Field & Stream , neither of which
offered much useful advice on raising babies.
From what I recall, my dad was not even
required to look at the baby version of me
through that huge window in the room where
they park newborns. I do not think he physically
looked in my direction until I was old
enough to play football, which was something
he considered worth watching.
When my kids decided to show up, however,
sensitive modern dads were expected to be
there every step of the way, which included
going to pre- baby classes wherein we had to
crouch on the floor with our pregnant wives
and give them a " focal point" to concentrate
on as they pretended to experience something
called " contractions."
The " focal point" I provided was a small
stuffed toy dog nicknamed Muggy Doo, a fuzzy
little guy I would bravely wave back and forth
in front of my wife's eyes, while shrieking helpful
birthing advice, such as: " FOCUS, HONEY!"
Or: " ARE YOU FOCUSING YET?"
This was stressful enough, but it got worse
when our first baby, my son, was on his way.
Like Richard Sherman, I had to make a choice:
go and sit on the bench at a senior men's basketball
game, or bravely watch my wife propel
an actual human baby from her insides to her
outsides.
I opted to skip the game and be there for my
wife and son, which resulted in me standing
next to my wife, sweating profusely, encouraging
her to focus, while I personally kept my
eyes closed as tightly as humanly possible.
My wife's role - other than the actual babyhaving
part - was to make me feel comfortable
and welcome via the technique of repeatedly
punching me in the shoulder and bellowing
" THIS IS ALL YOUR ( BAD WORD) FAULT!!!"
at a decibel level that caused the ears of medical
personnel in the delivery room to bleed.
So, becoming a dad for the first time was
definitely a life- changing experience and, while
I would hate to deny that joy to Richard Sherman,
I think the safest thing for him to do is to
play in the Super Bowl no matter what.
I just hope he remembers to " focus," because
Tom Brady's garlic breath is going to make
everyone's eyes water.
doug. speirs@ freepress. mb. ca
Take my advice, Richard Sherman: just focus
In the
Doug
House
Doug Speirs
MATT YORK / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
The Seattle Seahawks' Richard Sherman may
have a tough choice ahead, but Doug can help.
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