Winnipeg Free Press

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CHARTER BUS RENTAL SERVICES WE GUARANTEE THE BEST PRICE ON ANY CHARTERS 204.888.4411 | INFO@ EXCLUSIVEBUSLINES. COM W I N N I P E G , M A N I T O B A IF YOU CAN THINK IT, WE CAN CHARTER IT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE'LL TAKE YOU THERE S T HE secret to a long and happy marriage is finding activities both of you enjoy doing together. For instance, on Super Bowl Sunday, my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, and I traditionally spend time in the kitchen whipping up a huge batch of chili to bring to the annual party at our friends Kevin and Charlene's house. It is difficult, armed only with words, to describe how intensely I love a spicy bowl of chili, but I will try: I really love a spicy bowl of chili! In contrast, my wife likes chili, but it would be a stretch to say she L- OV- E- S chili. I believe this is because she comes from a sensitive culinary group that, for the purposes of today's column, we will refer to as " women." Being a guy, I have had a long and glorious relationship with this " bowl of blessedness," as legendary American cowboy, journalist and social commentator Will Rogers famously dubbed chili. When we were in our 20s, my buddies and I would hold semi- regular parties that, for reasons I cannot currently recall, we called " chili buses," wherein we would create three different kinds of chili: 1) Regular chili, which would be illegal to serve to prisoners under the Geneva Convention; 2) Hot chili, which was like a small sun going supernova on your tongue; and 3) Five- alarm chili, which was like the acid that leaked out of that long- jawed space monster in the movie Alien in the sense it could eat through the hull of a spaceship in a matter of seconds. The important thing to remember about chili is different cooks have wildly different notions about what should go into it, which can lead to the sort of arguments that can test even the strongest marital relationships. If you can't comprehend how the simple act of making chili can cause two reasonably sane persons to want to strangle one another, I think it is safe to say you do not currently have a spouse. My wife and I disagree on every aspect of chili - what type of meat it should contain, whether that meat should be ground or chunks, whether vegetables should be thrown in the pot and, of course, whether to include beans. (" To bean or not to bean, that is the question!") But easily the most volatile issue revolves around the addition of hot sauce. In my wife's view, adding hot sauce to anything is a culinary crime, whereas I firmly believe people who oppose the liberal application of hot sauce should be taken outside and shot, or abandoned on some remote tropical island. To give you an idea where I am coming from, my chili bible is a book called Chili Madness , written by Jane Butel, that features fiery feasts such as Chain Gang Chili, and Buzzard's Breath Chili, the original recipe for which included such delicious ingredients as " dead cow meat, dried red ants, and cigar ashes." Fortunately, over the years, my wife and I have developed a fail- safe system that allows us to produce a batch of this comforting food while preserving our sacred bond. Under this system, my wife is responsible for minor duties, such as cutting up the peppers and onions, cooking the meat, adding tomatoes and spices to the pot, then repeatedly stirring the chili for several hours. I have the critical role of lying on the couch and pretending to sleep until, when I am pretty sure my wife is no longer paying attention, sneaking into the kitchen and dousing the chili with a manly jolt of hot sauce, such as Dave's Insanity Sauce, which is capable of stripping asphalt from your driveway. You probably think my part in this process is a piece of cake, which is because, and I mean this in the best way possible, you are an idiot. " Where are you going?" my wife will grunt as I slip off the couch. " Um, nowhere," I will innocently reply, because, as a crusading journalist, I have to survive by my wits. " DO NOT ADD HOT SAUCE TO THE ( BAD WORD) CHILI!!!" my wife will roar at the decibel level you would use if you were speaking to a potted plant. Which is when I will stomp off indignantly, march into the bathroom and flush the toilet, hoping it will cover the sound of me sneaking into the kitchen and rooting around in the fridge for the hot sauce. So there we were Sunday night, engrossed in Super Bowl XLIX and reaffirming our bonds of friendship, when the time came to tuck into heaping helpings of our lovingly prepared chili. I tried to avert my eyes as my wife took a mouthful, and steam began to leak out of her ears and her eyes began to bug out of their sockets. " WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS?" she croaked, grabbing my beer and pouring it over her now- smoking tongue. I gave her my most sincerely adoring look. " Just a little extra love, dear," I said. Because, in the end, that's the secret ingredient in a long and happy marriage. doug. speirs@ freepress. mb. ca There is no such thing as a good bowl of mild chili In the Doug House Doug Speirs SCOTT MCINTYRE / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS The Patriots' second TD Sunday, or an imitation of Doug's reaction to his bowl of chili? You decide. GO HOT or go home A_ 06_ Feb- 02- 15_ FP_ 01. indd A6 2/ 1/ 15 9: 55: 01 PM ;