Winnipeg Free Press

Winnipeg Free Press (Newspaper) - July 27, 2015, Winnipeg, Manitoba C M Y K PAGE A2 A 2 WINNIPEG FREE PRESS, MONDAY, JULY 27, 2015 winnipegfreepress. com 964 REGENT AVE. W. SPECIAL SALES HOTLINE 1- 800- 616- 6551 OPEN 24 HOURS www . vickarchevrolet. ca ( Including Winnipeg) FOR ADDITIONAL SAVINGS OVER AND ABOVE WHAT YOU SEE! " LIKE" US ON & FOLLOW US ON VOLU M E DEALER IN C A NAD A # 1 2 01 2 & 20 1 4 2015 Chevy Camaro LT Not the Camaro everyone else is advertising! Full power group, 19: wheels, touch screen radio, Bluetooth with audio streaming, power seats, fog lights, sunroof and premium sound! Cash Price o lig Cas Available # FC7455 Dealer Permit # 9714 1 2015 Chevy Available Cruze Power door locks, power windows, keyless entry, Bluetooth, steering wheel audio controls # FC8514 WIFI ENABLED VEHICLE 1 Available 0 for 84 mo s, 0 % $ 14,490* $ 49 / WK* CASH PRICE 2015 Chevy Equinox LS Manitoba's Largest Equinox Dealer! Over 150 to choose from. 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COLUMNISTS Allan Levine A 9 Aaron Epp B 2 Shamona Harnett D 1 Lottery numbers were not available at press time due to a change in policy by Western Canada Lottery Corp. to extend lotto- ticket sales by 90 minutes. INSIDE LOTTERIES CANADA POST SALES AGREEMENT NO. 0563595 Recycled newsprint is used in the production of the newspaper. Please recycle. E VERY once in a while, I like to use this column in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make the world a safer place for each and every one of us. That is why today I am calling on the federal government to immediately attach warning signs to everything, especially the toaster in my kitchen that is actively spewing flames. This safety precaution is necessary because it has recently come to my attention modern North American consumers have the brains of trout and/ or Donald Trump. I reached this conclusion after reading about a Fourth of July tragedy in the U. S. in which a 22- year- old man literally blew himself up when, to amuse his friends, he placed a fireworks mortar tube on top of his head and accidentally ignited it. Along with sparking calls for tougher rules on the use of fireworks, the incident placed the victim in the lead for this year's Darwin Awards, which are posthumously handed out to people who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it. Worst of all, it's the tip of a giant blazing iceberg, which, when flipped, reveals a bunch of blockheads doing something stupid with fireworks, by which I mean sticking them between their butt cheeks. While randomly Googling the word " fireworks," I discovered an alarming trend wherein large numbers of individuals think it is the height of hilarity to ignite a Roman candle or some other firework after first placing it firmly in their bum, as opposed to the traditional bucket of sand. The first example that comes to mind was a guy who was a guest a wedding in Ireland and, after several drinks, tried to amuse the other guests by ( why not?) inserting a fireworks rocket into his backside and lighting the fuse. According to the Irish Mirror newspaper: " He thought he could shoot the rocket out of his bottom - but his plan backfired when it launched the wrong way... instead of shooting into the sky it exploded in the man's pants." The headline on this gripping story advised " Don't Try This At Home," but we do not think that is sufficient. We want our elected officials to immediately mandate the following warning signs: " ATTENTION IDIOTS - Do NOT put these fireworks on top of your head or between your butt cheeks and light them on fire. Also, do not stick your hand into a toaster even if you drop your wedding ring into it. Thank you!" Sadly, that is not the only warning sign we need to protect today's modern self- destructive consumers. We also need signs stating: " ATTENTION IGNORANT TOURISTS - This is a giant wild animal with pointy horns that are larger and sharper than machetes. Do not sneak up on this creature because you want to take a ( bad word) selfie to send to your buddies back home. It will kill you. Thank you." This warning would be of benefit to visitors to Yellowstone National Park, where this year, five people have been injured after wandering over to the park's gigantic bison and sticking fireworks in them. No, sorry, what I meant to say was they have been injured trying to take selfies with the bison. In the most recent incident, a 43- year- old Mississippi woman was flipped in the air after she and her daughter walked up to an innocent bison, turned their backs on the huge hairy beast and began posing for a selfie. " They heard the bison's footsteps moving toward them and started to run, but the bison caught the mother on the right side, lifted her up and tossed her with its head," the park service said in a statement. The family of the gored woman, who was treated for minor injuries, said they had seen other tourists hanging around with the bison " so they thought it would be OK." Given all the unexpected dangers lurking in the modern world, I don't think it's asking too much for federal authorities to slap sticky warning labels on everything that is potentially lethal, such as wildlife up to and including the beaver and the vole. It would be an excellent way to keep the Senate out of trouble. As for me, I am currently taking precautions to protect myself from the extreme heat and humidity. I am doing this by spending the shank of the afternoon floating in the giant inflatable pool in my backyard while simultaneously trying to mix the perfect margarita. If you have a few spare moments, I could really use a hand - because I'm having a hard time stretching our extension cord over to the pool so I can plug in the blender. P. S. Hand me my iPhone because I'd love to post this on Facebook. doug. speirs@ freepress. mb. ca In the Doug House Doug Speirs Protecting people from themselves Danger lurks in every corner EMILY SPARTZ WEERHEIM / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS FILES Bison can be dangerous if you turn your back on one. A_ 02_ Jul- 27- 15_ FP_ 01. indd A2 7/ 26/ 15 7: 11: 43 PM ;